Perfect
by Reasons Lost
Summary: It took Sam a long time to put Lara back together. Sometimes Lara falls back apart.


Some days Lara doubted herself, her decisions, the things she'd done. It was one of those days. Her heart had once again, for no reason she could understand, shattered, and nothing could fill the cracks. Her insides were a hollow ruin of shrapnel and acid; she felt both empty and pointed. She knew as soon as she woke up that morning that she would find no sense of ease, no peace.

Sam's arm across her waist didn't warm her that morning. She gingerly slid out from her spot in their bed and left her wife to sleep. She knew these days were always hard on Sam. For years Sam had been there to pick up the pieces of Lara's soul and glue them back in place with patience and gentleness. At first it had been so gentle that Lara hadn't realized it had been happening, and when warmth returned to her, it was so sudden that it scared her.

She could remember vividly the sudden intensity of emotion that blazed inside her. Her heart was a furnace, and even though she had been happy to feel again, even though she felt warm and human, she broke down that night. She had meant to hide her tears, but Sam had found her, of course she'd found her. Without a thought she had hushed her, soothed her, smoothed the crooked edges around Lara's newly rebuilt heart. They waited for the painful intensity of the fire in her to dim into warm coals that they could tend. Together.

The memory felt like an icy wind through her insides. She wanted to cry, scream, or be angry that thinking of Sam that way only brought a fleeting warmth. Instead she sat on their couch with her head in her hands and thought knives into herself while it petered out.

Lara skipped breakfast, and instead headed straight for the cupboard where she kept a bottle of whiskey. She grabbed the bottle, picked herself a glass, and took both with her to the table to sit down. Her expression was nearly blank as she poured three fingers of the drink into her glass. Her mouth hung just slightly open, exposing the crowns of her bottom teeth and her eyes were distant.

Sam found her that way; sitting in her pajamas with one hand draped protectively over the top of her glass, and her head slung forward. She was staring down at the floor as if she couldn't see it. Lara's eyes were red, and her jaw moved just slightly from side to side, carried unconsciously by the tide of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Sam", she said as she felt eyes on her. She lifted her head to look at Sam, focusing on her intently, and wishing the lonely cold between them would fade. Sam's face stiffened, Lara could see her jaw muscles holding taught, keeping her face from collapsing into something pained. Pained and _tired_.

Sam looked away first. It hurt, Lara felt it somewhere distant, but it hurt. She lifted the glass to her lips and did her best to wash down her self disgust while her eyes misted.

"I'm sorry", she repeated, and sprung to her feet. She could feel herself losing. Her composure was crumbling, and she was terrified of what would come to light once that wall was gone. She stepped in to Sam to kiss her cheek, and pass her by, to the door.

Instead Sam stepped closer, past her lips, and slotted her head into the crook of Lara's neck where it had always fit. Her arms wrapped around Lara and she exhaled the breath she'd been holding into her shoulder.

"I have to go", Lara whispered desperately. She stepped back to pull away, but Sam's hold followed her; her arms did not tighten, or attempt to trap Lara, rather they guided her back to Sam with the same patience and gentleness she had always shown. Lara's face crumpled.

She slid her arms around her lover with unexpected urgency, and clung to her. Something inside of her was twisting and breaking, the cold wind that had blown through the void in her stomach was becoming a storm. Through that storm she steadied herself against the only constant her life had.

"I can't lose you", she choked. Her body was shaking and her breathing was hitched and uneven, she hadn't wanted to cry. She stifled what she could, and fought the tremors that rocked her body.

"You won't, baby, you won't...", Sam said, and Lara could feel her hand as it stroked her back. It didn't heal her, they had both accepted long ago that this was part of Lara, but it was something to focus on. A little bit of mortar to fill her cracks. Sam began to rock back and forth very slowly. She was careful to make no sudden shifts of their weight, and not to startle Lara, but she rocked them back and forth.

So they held each other, and Sam soothed her, and in time the storm passed. Lara shivered once she'd cried herself out, and wiped her nose on her bare wrist, clearly embarrassed.

"Sorry about your robe...", she breathed, shame colouring her a dark pink, as she pulled back. Sam gave her a sympathetic look, and kissed the corner of her lips. The gesture put a healthier tone into Lara's skin, even as she choked on the lump in her throat again.

Sam was so strong for her. All the years that they'd been close people had underestimated Sam. It was the default assumption that Lara was stronger. That Sam was superficial or spoiled, Lara's hands took fistfuls of the back of Sam's robe knowing that people thought that. Somehow, when no one was there to see, Sam always proved them wrong.

"It's okay, sweetie", Lara was sure Sam meant to reassure her about more than the robe. "Come back to bed...?", there was just a touch of pleading to her request. Lara nodded, and Sam took her hand to lead her back to their room.

Sam moved a pillow against the wall at the head of their bed to sit against, and patted her thigh twice. Lara couldn't help smirking at that, despite how she felt. She laid her head on her wife's lap obediently and near immediately began to relax at the soft touch of Sam's fingers through her hair and across her scalp. She gave in to it easily. Sleep nipped at the edges of her thoughts, but she fought it, she felt selfish but she needed to be able to feel Sam just a little longer.

She could feel a touch of warmth in her chest, and it reminded her just how lucky she was. Lara knew she loved Sam deeply, she knew that when that small fire grew and her winter thawed that those feelings would still be there. Underneath the fear she'd also come to accept that she was never really broken. Sam had shown her that. Over and over Sam had shown her that. Sometimes she came apart, but she always came back together.

Still, she had to ask, just to hear it, "We're okay, aren't we, Sam?"

"Lara", Sam said, "we're perfect."


End file.
